A POEM
I remember what it is like to feel lost like that
to experience emotions so intense
as if you are an outcast
not even welcome in your own skin
in your own body
You think if you could just figure it out
if you could fix yourself
then you would be okay
THEN you would be loveable
I remember the long nights
staring at the ceiling
trying to fall asleep
but the energies were so intense
all I could do was lay there
feeling helpless to the war within
I remember the countless self-help books
talks with friends
trying to analyze and fix myself
fix them, have them fix me
whatever I could do to not feel
like
that
EVER
AGAIN
And it was self-defeating
the constant cycle fast-forward.rewind.replay.repeat over and over again
in my mind
Until finally... I HAD ENOUGH
I think they call it...
SURRENDER
At first, I thought
this word meant to
passively give up,
give in
To sacrifice the person I thought
I could be if I fixed myself
The person I thought would bring
me love, acceptance, dreams, success
the things that I thought would finally make me happy
I thought surrender meant to give up
the person I thought I needed to be for you to love me
for me to finally love myself.
But I couldn't hang on much longer to the thin rope of self-defeated suffering. So, I gave up. I let my grip, my need to control myself, GO. I allowed the energies to rise as loud as the wanted to be, to tell me what I needed to hear, The winds of emotions shouting at me to act in my old self defeating ways,
and I stayed still amongst the current
of my own storm.
The intense tides
fading into ripples
of self-compassion.
And I remember
who I really am
who we ALL really are
not our stories or passing emotions
but the observer
the creator
ready to let go
to fall
to be free
I remember what it is like
TO BE ME
When I let myself fall apart
I fell alright
I fell
INTO
ME
I remember thinking self-love was "to love myself when....."
When I achieve this. When I accomplish that. When I am liked by them THAT is when I will love myself.
I remember being where you are and where you have been
AND I remember
what if feels like
to let
ALL - THAT - SHIT
FALL
apart
to free me
of the illusions
buried in my skin.
And that is when I remembered
WHO I REALLY AM
not the passing emotions,
but the love that I fell into.
I fell in love
with me.
And I remember that you too
...can fall in love with you.
do
YOU...
remember?
© Blog by Brooke Searle 2020
Photographs found on Pexel.com
(click on the photos to check out the photographer's social media account)
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