SHORTENED VERSION:
A journey through my experiences, insights and deep lessons.
INTRO / INTENT
So, let’s see, what do I want to talk about? Well, my heart wants to share how blessed and grateful I am for the many experiences I have had over the past year. The many outdoor adventures and hikes, retreats (both meditation and yoga retreats) dating, and meeting new people. I was blessed by the many art opportunities and connections that came my way. I even had the privilege of speaking in front of a large group of people. Sharing a vulnerable story about my past. #hiking #outdoors #nature #retreat #vacation #meditation #yoga #friends #dating #art #utahartalliance
Basically I was blessed to experience all of these magical events. And the truth is, this is but surface level. The depth of my experiences, goes beyond what I can list as events or anything that can be measured by words. Some experiences were moments and truly connecting to the magic in every moment. #magic #blessed
“No matter what: there was always a deeper stillness, a deeper magic that could be felt in any moment.”
The way a flock of birds quiets my entire body leaving me with a feeling of awe and wonder. The way light hits the trees as the sun sets, or reflects off lakes, or the way the light refracts on icicles causing us to see reflections of rainbows.
Anyways, these deeper experiences is one reason why I am writing this blog entry. To reflect not only on the blessings and events, and also to reflect on the magic, the insights, the growth and the deeper connection I have started to feel within. #stillness
So here it goes. Grab your favorite cup of tea, or coffee, or whatever you like to drink and go on with me on a little adventure reflecting back on the past year of my life. I hope sharing this may add perspectives, insights and help you connect to the magic and wonder that can be found in every moment. Oh, and you may want to keep your drink in a container with a lid. Spilling liquid on computers is never a good idea. I had that happen once, and I will admit, that the computer is no longer in existence.
RETREAT / INSIGHT
In April I went on a 10-day silent meditation retreat in Lava Hot Springs, ID. Learning a meditation technique called Vipassana as taught by S.N. Goenka. During this retreat I had a lot of breakdowns and breakthroughs. And the deepest insight I gained, was an internal shift that paved the way for the rest of my experiences. I can’t even describe the insight as much as it was feeling. Behind the noisy mind, the cravings and illusions that say "you are not enough" I felt into a space of true unconditional self-love, security and knowing. I felt into the magic of life. It was a deep knowing that I was and always will be okay, no matter what. That whatever was going on externally was irrelevant to the space and love and peace that we all have within. This is what I call security, this is what I call my center. That when connected to this space, I have a self-trust that could carry me through all experiences. #Goenka #vipassana #meditation #retreat #insight #deep #spiritual
Then I went home and immediately felt into an old picked up pattern. A voice that said “if I am okay, how will I get any of the things I want? How will my life change, how will I change if I think I am okay?” In other words, the voice was saying “how do I control things, if I let go of control?”
This beautiful pattern, question and belief brought me from a deep insight to a bit of a rollercoaster ride, for the first half of the year. It would create fears in me. This pattern would show me ways I was less than others and needed to make things happen to be okay. Not recognizing how this pattern was basically creating itself, I would believe it and try all kinds of things to fix myself. Keeping me in a bit of an inward trap for a little while.
Eventually, I started to see through this pattern. How I was okay until this pattern, or belief, was giving me reasons to believe that I was not okay. What I eventually realized was, under the questions “ how will I change, if I completely accept and surrender to life?” was the belief that I wasn’t okay as I was. That I was less than, unloveable or needed to prove, fix, or control in order to be okay.
And It was a beautiful and needed experience that allowed me to see first hand, how believing this pattern created my own suffering and pain. Eventually this led me back to the same discovery. That I, and all people, are already whole and okay as we are.
I know it is hard to believe, with all the beliefs we have picked up. With society telling us how we should be, act and behave in order to be enough or to be loveable. That we should have enough money, look or even act in certain ways. In fact, we may be behaving in ways that make us feel like we need fixing. And if we really look at it, we may discover that under that behavior is the belief that we need to be fixed and are not okay.
When we see this and bring compassion to this, we start to realize how okay we really are. That under all of these patterns is a war within. And if we can stop the self-judgment, and bring in compassion, the behaviors will subside and we will find peace. We will find a still space that says, we are loveable no matter what. #compassion #peace #stillness
“When we stop trying to fix ourselves, trying to control, trying to prove that we are loveable. We tap into the truth: that we are love, that we are freedom, that we are all that we have been searching for.”
OTHER EXPERIENCES
I started dating and experiencing things that I used to think were scary. Of course, all kinds of beliefs and fears came up with this too. The beliefs of not belonging, or fears of being rejected or judged came to the surface. And similarly to the fear of letting go of control, I was eventually able to see through these fears too.
I recognized, that under this was the belief: was that old paradigm that said I needed something outside of myself. And what I discovered was: if we are trying to get something outside of us, we are ignoring something deep within us. Something that may be telling us, that the thing we are trying to get, doesn’t align with our soul.
“If we are trying to get something outside of us, we are ignoring something deep within us.”
What I discovered is, if I allow myself to feel into the knowing that I am okay as I am, with or without belonging anywhere, I start to find my own sense of belonging within. I also hear what my intuition is telling me. What things feel in alignment and what doesn’t. This opens me up to a sense of security within myself. Also, since I no longer need others to be okay, I am also able to be a loving presence for others.
FALLING IN LOVE AND LETTING GO
Towards the end of the year, I had the experience of falling in love. Of practicing dating in an unconditionally loving way and of letting that relationship leave when it no longer felt right to the other person. I discovered so much in self-reflection. About the things I want to improve, things I learned, and ways I progressed. Ultimately, I came back to the same realization. That everything happened as it needed for my deepest growth. I got to learn to let it all go, while feeling deep gratitude and appreciation for the experiences.
EXPERIENCING “MISHAPS” FROM A PLACE OF SERENITY
I observed myself and the back and forth that I felt throughout the year: from the pattern of trying to make things happen to the times I completely surrendered and knew I was okay no matter what.
I observed thoughts, beliefs, and triggers come up saying things such as: “This means I am not loveable and am not okay. I made a mistake and I need to fix myself, or take action, in order to for things to be okay”. I could believe these beliefs, and I observed how this would cause me suffering, even if only internally. #beliefs
I also got to observe what it felt like to fight the arising beliefs, and self doubts, and observe how this felt like a war within. Like dividing myself up into little pieces. Here is this belief, let’s judge that. Here is this pattern, let’s ignore that. Here is this feeling, let’s shove this down here. I observed how this often led to an empty feeling on the inside and how there was an old temptation to fill this emptiness with something externally. And fortunately, I had done enough work to not feed into addictions and would come back to allowing myself to feel.
And, I observed what it was like when I allowed the feelings to come up and allow them to be there. I could be a space of love for them, not react or allow them to control me, and instead feel them. I could see through them, bring compassion to them, hear a deeper need underneath them and observe these patterns and beliefs transcend.
It was wonderful experiencing what it was like, to tangibly apply this serenity to my experiences:
I had an incident where my backpack was stolen, a time where I backed into a parked car when parallel parking and a time when my stove was broken for several months while my property management company resolved the issue. In the past, all of these incidents would cause resistance and negative emotions within. In the past, I may have gotten angry or allowed these incidents to ruin my days. And I instead chose to come back to the knowledge I was okay with. To feel the love and serenity within and what I experienced were great peace, harmonious conversations, and unknown opportunities.
With losing my back pack, by choosing peace, I allowed myself to enjoy one an evening at an interactive art museum. And a couple of days later I stumbled upon a purse backpack that was for sale. Something that called to me more than the backpack I had stolen. I realized that all things are opportunities.
INTENTION MOVING FORWARD
My new intention is to practice enjoying life as if I am already okay. If something comes in that I would consider a mishap, I can detach and connect to that security that knows I will figure it out with love. If fear arises, I can again connect to the knowing that I can harmoniously respond to whatever happens with serenity, security, and peace. I will do a lot of the same things, and yet I will respond in such different ways. #intention
“I can respond, rather than react. I can make choices from harmony rather than from control. I can experience peace rather than panic.”
When I know I am okay, I do things that once would scare me. Things that fulfill me. Like writing this blog for example. I know I am okay no matter the result, so I allow myself to experience what calls to me. Knowing I love myself no matter the result. This feels like the practice of tapping into that self love, confidence and security.
#I experienced so many lesson, so here is a little summary of the main things I feel something deep within me is wanting to tell me: (Because after all, that is what this blog is all about, listening in to the lessons from deep within) #lessons #growth #insights #listening
#lessons #growth #insights #listening
LIST OF LESSONS FROM WITHIN:
Give things permission to be. Give permission for people to be mad at me, for feelings to be intense, for situations to appear messy. This does not mean that I do not take action or am not accountable. This means that I accept everything as it is and feel into the space and unconditional love of this moment. As I allow myself to accept and detach, I can form a new Intention for action. Instead of acting to fix or get things to be how I want them to be, I can gently guide myself from that surrendered secure place. Letting go of what is out of my control and taking guided action from a place of unconditional love for me and all people involved. Allowing myself to really hear, respond and honor myself and the other people involved.
Let it fall apart - be still and let it go. I heard this one from Kyle Cease. If you haven’t heard of him, look him up. His work has transformed me and inspired this blog. Anyways, I can feel into this space of knowing whatever is falling apart, is not a fit for me and that bigger picture of life. And when I try and keep it together it eventually leads to chaos. Or I can detach with unconditional love. Deeply accepting and feeling into the lessons and let it all go. So this is my new mantra lately: whatever needs to go, let it go. Whatever needs to fall apart, let it fall apart. #letthatshitgo #letgo #KyleCease
Feel into the wholeness that you are. When I allow myself to feel, I can feel all of the hurt parts of myself becoming one and I feel whole.
Feel Open and Receptive. By feeling, I feel into my intuition and inner guidance system. I feel inspiration for art pieces. I feel into the moment and the experiences of life. I am receptive to life, unknown experiences flow through me and life feels effortless. I see opportunities and experience things I would have otherwise not experienced. I can feel the universe saying, keep feeling, keep trusting, keep being so you can keep being open and receptive to life. I live more fully alive.
Experience all of life fully, encourage “mistakes”. When I allow myself to live life fully, I also allow myself to make what I used to call “mistakes”. I am new to this concept, and I am starting to feel how there are no mistakes, only opportunities to gently move and guide myself towards new behavior and new directions. Those “mistakes” help me grow and blossom and experience life fully. I am now feeling into allowing them to be apart of the experience too. Giving me more information, self-discovery and guide me to even more magical experiences that I couldn't see possible if I did not allow myself to make mistakes.
Like this post for example. Sure I may reflect, and discover ways I would like to make my posts different in the future: shorter, etc. As I allow myself to write, create and play I can see how I can hone my craft, develop my skills to articulate, simplify and share my insights. It is in this letting go that I grow, And I welcome, own and am grateful for where I am on my path and am curious to see what other posts I create and share.
All things are opportunities. Being sick is an opportunity to really be with me and take care of myself. Relationships ending is an opportunity for self-discovery, practicing and self love and allows an opening for a new relationship that may be more a fit in the future.
Relax into life. This brings me to the deepest thing I felt into, this year. Relaxing into being. No matter what comes or goes, no matter what lessons I learn, there is a solid, relaxed part of me, that is always okay and will always carry me through. All I need to do is do nothing, and be and I will fall into this space.
TO LETTING IT ALL GO
So, as I sit here, in a beautiful cabin in the woods, wrapping up the last of this very long blog, I feel a sense of mourning. Of saying goodbye to old beliefs, patterns that part that thought I needed to be fixed. Of saying goodbye to experiences, people, and who I thought I used to be. I look back at how I once held expectations for this year and see all the experiences, insights and shifts I could have never anticipated.
This morning, A guided meditation guided me to listen to the song ”She Use to Be Mine” by Sara Bareilles. “Sometimes life just slips in through the back door and carves out a person that makes you believe that it is all true” The girl I used to be, the illusions, the patterns, and even the past beauty are no longer mine. And I am mourning the person I thought was as I step into the person I will be. #SaraBareilles #SheUsedToBeMine #Mourning #Liberation
One last profound lessons the universe has been teaching me:
“What they think of you, is not you. What you think they think of you, is not you either. Let them go. Connect to you at your deepest, and you will realize that any attachment to them, is getting identity from them. Rather than connecting to your soul.”
Want and fear nothing outside, because all you want and fear can only be found within. Bring compassion to this. Love this. Discover this. Be this. All you are looking for, it is already here within you. You are love. You are in freedom. You are the light the world has been searching for.
So, if you happened to not have spelled your drink on your electronic reading mechanism thing, and you happened to have read all of this, here is a toast to letting go of 2019 and stepping into 2020. Allowing and letting all things be. Allowing things to go and being open and receptive to what wants flow through at any moment. The words, this blog, forgiveness, or whatever it is. This is to trusting this space, this peace within, to guide me to and through harmony. To love myself, and all of life, in a much deeper way. Open to a 2020 vision beyond what we can currently see. All puns intended. #punny #allowing #forgiveness #lettinggo #beyond #harmony
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